Were You Invited…Or Did You Force Your Way In?

You're Not Invited



Hello Etiquette Lovers,

Is it just me or have you also noticed the trend of people getting upset when they get turned back at/from an event they were actually not invited to? Or getting upset because they didn’t get an invite for that wedding, bridal shower, birthday, etc. I mean really ‘vexing for’ (getting mad at) the host/celebrant, even to the extent of posting nasty things on social media or holding a grudge. When I say event, I’m not talking about events open to the general public. I mean events such as the ones mentioned above that have a personal touch.


In my thinking and as far as Etiquette is concerned, when people host events, they are planned for people close to them. They want to share their moment with people they love, people who have influenced them in one way or the other, people who have contributed to the progress of their lives in various ways, people who they have grown up with or share memories with…people they actually know.


When events are planned, they are planned with an estimated number of guests in mind. This means that the food, drinks, seats/hall capacity, sitting arrangement, vendors, party favours,…everything, have been planned accordingly.


With these in mind, it is actually very inconsiderate, insensitive and rude to show up at such ceremonies just because your heard about them or your sister’s boyfriend’s friend said you could hitch a ride with him/her. You should not, because you are bored on a Saturday afternoon, turn up at an occasion you were not invited to.

It is solely the host’s prerogative to invite whoever he/she wishes to invite. No, he/she is not necessarily being proud. No, he/she doesn’t have anything against you. With the few exceptions of hosts muddling things up in the heat of planning, event planners making mistakes or courier drivers making wrong, delayed or no deliveries, whoever gets invited is usually who the host wants to invite.

It is not in your place to get upset. You should not hold a grudge. Don’t make small talk about it with raised brows the next time you see the host. If you can not congratulate him/her, just don’t talk about it at all when you see. If you are that interested in the happenings of the occasion, social media sites are usually flooded with pictures, videos and comments that make you feel as if you were there. Just watch those spaces. Remember, when you host your own event too, your guest list is your prerogative.


To the people who receive the invite for the occasion, please do not ask people to tag along with you except it is an open event or you have confirmed with the host that it is okay to so. It’s funny how it’s people who come uninvited that may also complain about the food running out or the party being rowdy. Really?


Let me know what you think. Have a great week!


Loads of love!You're Not Invited





Categories: Importance of Etiquette, Manners, Social Intelligence | Leave a comment

Etiquette, Tribalism and the I’m-Better-Than-You Mentality

Hello friends,

I feel like I haven’t been here in ssooo long. I’ve missed you guys and I’ve been itching to post this. All my gadgets and social media accounts decided to go off on me over the last two weeks. Gosh! It was quite frustrating but I quickly got over it. The heavens haven’t fallen. Here’s the topic for the week (as written and saved for two weeks now).



Hello Etiquette Lovers,

Hope you had a great weekend. I really got to chill this weekend. My kind of chill involves staying in bed and going absolutely nowhere apart from the kitchen to get food. I watched a couple of movies too. Bliss!

Today’s post is very unusual for an Etiquette blog even though it’s not a new topic to make the rounds. I cannot totally explain why I’ve decided to write about it anyway, but I know it’s something worth talking about. I’ll be brief.

Two days ago, I was getting food at a joint (yes, I go to joints. Lol). A couple of women were having a conversation; two younger ladies in their late twenties or early thirties and an elderly woman in her late forties or early fifties. They were either workers at the joint or perhaps they were just hanging out till they went back to their own stalls/shops.

Apparently, the gist was really hot; a guy whom all three of them knew was seen by his fiancée with another woman on the road and he was trying his very best to explain to the fiancée that this woman was just a friend. I didn’t really hear the end of the gist (my priority was to get my lems (food). However, it seemed like the guy wasn’t having any of the accusation and he pretty much stormed off.

The younger ladies were besides themselves with laughter at the situation and they half-jokingly half seriously asked the older woman: ‘Why you no advise am na?’ (Why didn’t you advise him?) They believed that as a mother figure, she should have stepped in to salvage the situation and advise the dude on how to handle the matter better.

Her surprise BAFFLED ME!!! She said ‘Why I go advise am? Na my pikin abi na my town person? (‘Why will I advise him? Is he my child or from my state or village of origin?’)

I was so stunned and sad. When did the world become like this? When did it stop to matter that another person’s relationship or life was going south except they were of the same origin as us? If tribalism and self could come into something as basic as this, what’s the hope for weightier issues? When I was growing up, the community raised children; neighbours, family members, church members, etc., but now, it’s no one’s business?

I was sad because this was an older woman I expected more from; compassion, maturity and wisdom. If a mother could think this way, what direction are children heading towards? I began to wonder, ‘Is this part of why Nigeria is like this?’ If people are thinking like this, our journey as a nation is long. Very long.

The fact that we are from a particular state or country does not make us better than anyone else, neither does our educational qualifications, social status, age or exposure. I’ll say again, the bedrock of Etiquette is consideration, respect and sensitivity…for others. LOVE is a GLOBAL LANGUAGE. It has no barriers. If we treated each other with love, the world would be a much better place.


Matthew 22:36-40 New King James Version (NKJV)

  1. “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?”

37. Jesus said to him, “‘you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ 38. This is the first and great commandment. 39. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself.’  40. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”


1 John 4:20 King James Version (KJV)

If a man says, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

Categories: Importance of Etiquette, Love and Unity, Manners, Tribalism | 1 Comment

How to Get Rid of that Map of Africa!

9 ways to remove sweat patches



Everyone seemed to get a laugh from my last post; either at me or remembering a similar situation they had been in.

While sweating is your body’s natural biological way of cooling you down to prevent over heating, having a sweat patch and worse still, having a lingering stain can be really embarrassing. You have up to five million sweat glands all over your body. The Apocrine and Eccrine are the most active sweat glands. The apocrine glands are mainly found in your armpit area. Here are some preventive methods I subscribe to. Please feel free to add your suggestions.


1. Wear an absorbent undershirt under dress shirts and a camisole under sleeveless tops or blouses. The under garments would probably still get stained if you have a very active and outdoor lifestyle, but at least your fancy dress clothes will be fine.


2. Wash your shirts or tops frequently: if you wash them early enough, the stains will not have the time to set in an leave a permanent yellowish patch. Pre-soak the clothes and then wash with cold water. Hot water makes the stains set.


3. Wear clothes made of ‘sweat friendly material.’ Choose light weighted cotton over polyester. Cotton is the most breathable fabric around so it allows for some airflow which dries up moisture. It is also a natural fibre, so it absorbs moisture rather than repel it. While linen gets quite easily wrinkled, it serves the purpose of sweat absorption as it is also a natural fibre with quick drying time and it doesn’t cling to your body when you sweat.

Avoid cotton material mixed with spandex. The spandex makes the cotton heavier thereby making it repel moisture.


4. Certain patterns of clothes can hide sweat patches. If you wear checked, plaid or camo shirts or tops, you are more likely to be successful at hiding sweat patches.


5. Use and antiperspirant deodorant: don’t just use ordinary deodorant which only eliminates smells. Antiperspirants eliminate smells as well as prevent sweat by blocking sweat ducts. Body sprays are NOT deodorants or antiperspirants. Do not apply antiperspirants to to sweaty or wet armpits.

Some people have a health condition that causes them to sweat more than normal. A clinical strength antiperspirant is recommended. Check with your pharmacy if this applies to you or someone you know.


6. Excess weight or obesity often leads to increased sweating. You may need to lose some weight. Your clothes will be more loosely fitted as well which will allow the flow of air, aiding quicker drying of moisture/sweat.

Three homemade recommendations (I haven’t tried):

I have read in some articles that home made deodorants made of coconut oil, tea tree oil and corn starch make for a good antiperspirant. I’ve also read that eating certain foods like grapes, wheatgrass juice, tomatoe juice and raw apple cider vinegar help reduce sweating as they have sweat reducing properties in them.

Finally, pre-soaking your clothes in a tablespoon of of white vinegar and half a cup of water before washing with cold water is another homemade recommendation.


I hope these have helped a bit. I look forward to your comments and suggestions. Please share any experiences you’ve had as well.


Have a patch free weekend *wink*

Categories: How to be a Lady, Importance of Etiquette, social etiquette, Social Intelligence | 4 Comments

Sweat Patches a.k.a Map of Africa

When you are surprised by what's happening under your arms.

When you are surprised by what’s happening under your arms.


About two weeks ago, I needed to quickly go by two offices. As most days seem to be in Lagos, Nigeria, it was a very hot day that Wednesday. I figured I wouldn’t be out long and I also had no plans to ‘melt or fry’ in the sun. I decided to wear a top made of really light material, it was a tulle like top but a bit thicker and more sewn together than tulle (I’ll add a picture in my next post).

Although I was in a bit of a hurry, I remember thinking to myself, ‘Toju, you’re going to get a sweat patch in this top. The type that really shows. Shouldn’t you change?’ Alas, it was one of those days I didn’t want to iron and all my other clothes didn’t just feel like what I should or could wear that day (whatever that means).

Guarding my mind with the thoughts that I didn’t want to be hot, I was driving a car with good air conditioning and I’d be in and out of the offices, I semi-confidently wore my top and dashed out. In the words of my husband’s friend, ‘Na had I known dey cause I could have.’ I really don’t know how to interpret that, but pretty much, I found myself in a situation of ‘If I had known what was going to happen, I would have changed my top.’ *Sigh*

I parked a block away from the first office where I saw convenient parking. I walked up to the gate only to be told that they had moved the location of their head office. Between walking from my car to the gate and now back to my car, the map of Africa had begun to form (In Nigeria, we sarcastically or jokingly call sweat patches, especially big ones under armpits ‘map of Africa.’) Gosh! See me stretching my arms over the steering wheel so all the air from the AC (which was now in full blast) could hopefully remedy the situation.


This can make you feel so uncomfortable and irritated

This can make you feel so uncomfortable and irritated


Unfortunately for me, the second office was just a minute’s drive from my first stop so I had to get out of the car soon. Out again into the sun I went. I spoke briefly with the receptionist and handed her my details. I was racing back to my car and about to unlock the door when I was called back. The head of office had noticed and recognised me looking out of his window and wanted to chat. I was really happy to get an audience with him, but I felt so conscious and embarrassed about the map I had growing under my arms. Getting into his office, I knew I was in for it. It was either there was no light at that time or it was just a fan on. I don’t even remember, I just remember that I was hhoott!!!

I decided to focus on the chat with him. We laughed, talked about past memories (I knew him as a child) and also what had brought me to his office. After a good twenty to thirty minutes in the ‘hot heat,’ I slowly walked to my car. No need to rush or try to salvage anything now. The worst had happened. As I sat in my car, I looked at the huge sweat patches I had never had in my life that formed under my arms. What would the man be thinking? What if he was some top-no-nonsense-boss? What if it was an interview at a school of Etiquette? Maybe I’m being dramatic.

It goes without saying that I sat in my car till I was ddrryy and ensured there were no marks on the top. I would have gone back home if there were. I dashed into the new location of the head office, thankfully, their ‘oye’ was pumping (their AC was functioning very well.) I did what I had to do and made my way home to have a much needed bath.

Next week, we’ll talk about how to avoid sweat patches…as much as possible.

Have a great week!

Categories: Importance of Etiquette, social etiquette, Social Intelligence | Leave a comment

Mental Poise; Final Part

Hello friends,

Hope you’ve had a great weekend and you have been able to control your facial expressions and thoughts better.

Here’s the final part of the series with the last the points continuing from last week…

1. Guard your heart: closely related to editing your thoughts is guarding your heart. As a matter of fact, you are able to edit your thoughts because you are guarding your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says ‘Guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life.’ Your heart is like a factory, constantly manufacturing and producing products and by-products of what it is given. Therefore, for example, if you give it over heated conversations and arguments (ever so often), it will produce anger and its by-products of irritation, a snappy attitude, etc.

2.A revelation: sometimes, we could be so obstinate about how we feel and what we want. Stuck in our ways. We feel how we feel, we want what we want and we express what we want! We don’t want to listen to counsel or what anybody (or blog) has to say. Truth is, when we become like that, what people say directly won’t have an effect. We need a personal revelation of why we need to change. This could come through personal or third party prayers, reading a book or even talking to an absolute stranger.

3. Be intentional: this is close to deciding. Late last year, I began to ask myself what it meant to ME to be a wife. What kind of wife did I want to be? I began to pray and ask God for a word and he gave it to me. Ever since, I have something that guides how I relate to my husband. Oh, I flunk at it now and then, but it’s wwaayyy better than having nothing. I know I’ll get there.

Have a fabulous week ahead. I sense a very pleasant surprise for someone this week, in fact, a huge testimony. I pray it done in Jesus’ name. Amen.

See you next week!

Categories: Importance of Etiquette, Manners, social etiquette, Social Intelligence | Leave a comment